Hidden love blocks. What do I mean?
If you don’t know by now, before transitioning into being a love coach, I started out as a matchmaker. That was seven years ago. And when I first started, I thought, okay, I can just, this is gonna be great. I’m gonna match everyone with their soulmate. I’m going to just match everyone in the world. It’s going to be amazing and I had this very nice view that I had this power to just bring anyone together with their partner. And the reality is, as I learned very quickly, it’s not that simple. Because everyone is in a different place in terms of their readiness for a relationship, how they feel about themselves, and how that affects who they are attracted to. So I learned pretty quickly that it wasn’t that simple. It is not that simple because we are complicated and we have our own sets of beliefs and we have Our own habits, we have our own mindsets. And those things are all a factor on how easy or how challenging it is for you to find the loving relationship that you want and a healthy one at that.
This is why today, I am going to break down for you what I see as the six most common love blocks. And what I mean by that are these are kind of behaviors, attitudes mindsets that I see inadvertently and very sneakily, can stop you from actually having the relationship that you want to have, meeting the person you want to have or even dating effectively. Ready? Let’s dive in!
1. Fearing Rejection
Feeling rejected romantically is a very, very natural, very common emotion and Lord knows, I’ve had my share of feeling very rejected in dating. My first romantic sort of memory is one of being rejected by a boy when I was in elementary school. That was the first of many to come as it turned out.
So I don’t want to minimize any concern or any fear that you have about rejection and urge or shame you. Feeling rejected is a very natural feeling. However, you’d be surprised when I say rejection isn’t real. Here’s what I mean:
You are not for everyone. Everyone is not for you. So it’s very, it’s a trap to start to feel this. There are always going to be people who don’t want to be with you romantically. And actually 100% of the time, it’s about them. It’s about what they want. It’s about what they’re attracted to. It’s about what they’re emotionally available for. And people are allowed to have preferences. People are allowed to say like, “Oh, you might be great, but I don’t see us together.” And I know that might sting. I know it doesn’t feel good.
Don’t take it personally
To avoid taking it so personally, you can just start to train yourself to bring in a little bit of a level of detachment. Detachment is something that is very important in dating because romantic disappointment is something that is such a paralyzing thing for so many people. It can stop you from even going on dates, to begin with. It can actually stop you from ever meeting the person who does want you. And that would be a real shame. So there’s a level of detachment that is is worth cultivating when it comes to dating when it comes to romantic relationships, which is to know that everyone is on their own journey. And you cannot take other people’s journeys so personally because you have no idea what their history is, what their beliefs are, what their background is, and what their traumas are. They’re bringing all of that to the table.
This is just that general cynicism, lack of belief that you’re ever going to meet someone that you’re ever going to have the relationship that you want to have. I can relate to all of these. Part of why I can articulate this is because it is part of why I ever became a love coach. I can relate to all of these and so I was really drawn to helping other people to overcome these challenges because I know how powerful they can be when they’ve really taken hold in your mind.
Do you really believe that it’s possible to have the love that you want? I want you to really just challenge yourself to consider the possibility that this is possible. Even if you don’t know at this moment how you’re going to find it, even if you don’t know at this moment where that person is. Chipping away at pessimism and starting to open yourself up to that new possibility may sound so simple, but it’s so powerful. It’s basic, but it’s powerful. And you might need to find role models you might need.
If you believe that you are never going to meet someone, you might need to find people who you can relate to. People who you can see that they were able to find a really great partner. And if you don’t know those people personally in your life, you might need to literally go on the internet. You might need to literally investigate people’s love stories, and get inspiration for them so you can start to expand that idea of what’s possible for yourself.
So, considering a new possibility, when you’re feeling pessimistic about finding love is a huge, huge, huge, huge, powerful tool to combat that second love block, which is pessimism.
3. Feelings of Unworthiness
Now, this is a tricky one. Because with most people when we start to talk about their dating history, their patterns, their past relationships, this is the picture that’s painted.
If you’re looking at your relationships, and you’re looking at your patterns, and you see that maybe you have a habit of dating people who treat you like an option when you’re treating them like a priority, people who put you down in some way, lie to you, mistreat you or are abusive towards you, then I really, really, really want you to start to seriously question your belief in your worthiness. Because you are worthy.
But if you believe that getting into the relationship is the thing that’s going to make you feel worthy, that in and of itself, is you’re setting yourself up for a relationship with someone who doesn’t see your worth. Because you can’t see it yourself!
Believing in your self worth will change how you approach dating, who you give a chance to when you’re dating, and even how you feel when something doesn’t work out. It’s not about being perfect, but it’s about starting to chip away at some of these emotional mental blocks that can really hold you back.
4. Self Judgement
This is the negative self-talk around love, around dating, around your attractiveness and around the likelihood that you’re ever going to meet someone. It is that compounding of any negative beliefs that you have about yourself. Even though self-judgment is a natural human trait, it is something that needs to be addressed when it starts to get out of hand. The cure for self-judgment is self-compassion. Start bringing your attention to the ways in which you criticize yourself. Give yourself a break from the things you are beating yourself up for “doing wrong”. If you want to do better, you have to cultivate that compassion towards yourself.
5. Being Guarded
The cure to the love block of being very guarded or closed off is to start to bring more vulnerability into your actions, your interactions, really starting to cultivate that muscle. Strengthen that muscle of vulnerability, which creates authenticity.
Do you even think that you are deserving of being your true self? Do you think that who you truly are is someone who anyone would and love? When you find yourself being guarded, when you find yourself holding back, you find yourself in your head, trying to guess what someone wants to hear. So you try to show up in the world, show up on dates, show up in your relationships in a way that you are somehow anticipating the other person’s needs. And then giving the version of themselves that you think they need, right? When you’re doing that, you’re not being authentic because you’re now being a curated version of yourself. If you want to actually connect with the person who sees who you are and loves you for who you are, it’s going to require you to bring some more vulnerability from the beginning. This can start with everything from your photos on a dating app. Are you wearing sunglasses? Are they group photos? Are you “hiding in plain sight”? Are you hiding behind lots of cliches and being very vague and very general and not being honest about what you care about, what lights you up? it’s high time you brought your authentic self out!
6. Taking yourself for granted
Having an absence of gratitude in your life, for yourself, for the love that you already have in your life. It doesn’t matter whether you only have one person in this world, that’s something to celebrate. And that’s something to feel grateful for. Gratitude is a very similar emotion to love. And like love, gratitude is something that expands the more and more you focus on it.
Just know it’s going to be easier for you to meet someone, to find love, if you are able to be more grateful for who you are, for the love that you have in your life right now, today. Every day, think of something you are going to be grateful for. Gratitude is such a powerful tool if well utilized
So to recap really quickly, the six hidden love blocks that could be stopping you from having the love that you want, even if you’re going through all of the motions of going on dates and “putting yourself out there” are:
i) Fearing rejection. The cure to that is to start to cultivate a sense of detachment. You are not for everyone, everyone is not for you, and you don’t want to stop the people who aren’t for you, from keeping you from the ones who are.
ii) Pessimism. That’s the skepticism that having the love that you want is even possible for you. The cure for that is to start to consider a new possibility. Seek out role models if you need to, so you can start to envision a new future for yourself.
iii) Feelings of unworthiness. A really, really huge sign for this is looking at any toxic dating patterns that you might have relationship dysfunction, lack of boundaries being taken advantage of, and being mistreated in any way. If you can relate to any of that, then really go deeper into yourself worth start to challenge yourself.
iv) Self-judgment. Beating yourself up with that negative self-talk. The cure to that is starting to cultivate some self-compassion, which is really, really powerful. And the first step in loving yourself is learning to be compassionate towards yourself.
v) Being guarded, being closed off and guarded. Not letting people really see who you really are. Not really sharing your truth with people, being very protective of yourself. The cure for that is vulnerability. Vulnerability is a muscle it can be strengthened and I encourage you to do so because you cannot have true intimacy without true vulnerability.
vi) Taking your life for granted. Gratitude is the cure for this. Gratitude is an incredibly powerful emotion. Gratitude is love attracting.