What’s Your Dating Archetype? Quiz score 15-24
Charlotte York on Sex And The City before she became Charlotte Goldenblatt
Molly on Insecure
Loopers are stuck in a loop of self-defeating thoughts and dating patterns. Next to Avoiders, this is the most common love mindset I encounter. But unlike Avoiders, Loopers usually have active love lives, though they mostly feel unsatisfied romantically.
Loopers often have trouble effectively course-correcting. Your tendency is to keep dating, meeting more people and doing things the same things over and over again. Even when you try to take different actions, they are typically superficial and outwardly focused in nature (e.g. “From now on, I’m only dating men who make more money than me”) and still yield the same results.
Turning inward and asking yourself the tough questions (what are my values, am I prioritizing the right things, what do I most fear when it comes to love) doesn’t come easily to the Looper. It can feel easier to blame your woes on outside or superficial factors.
Anyone can get “stuck in a loop”, regardless of your relationship history or experience. (Lord knows I’ve been there!) And anyone can get out of the loop! If you haven’t been on a date in 10 years, or you have had 1,000 dates that went nowhere, the remedy is the same: a commitment to abandoning your old love-blocking beliefs in favor of a new, love-attracting mindset.
a series of short relationships that have ended badly
you’ve been cheated on or lied to repeatedly
you’ve only dated people who are really into you, even if you’re not so into them.
new relationships are hot and heavy at first but fizzle out quickly
being overly focused on physical chemistry and ignoring warning signs
obsessing over and idealizing an ex who has moved on
focused on looks (yours and others)
having secret hookups or secret relationships
(if you’re not dating at all, that’s a pattern as well. See Avoider for more on this.)
Loopers aren’t afraid to put themselves “out there” and have probably tried multiple avenues for meeting potential partners, and are always on the lookout for the next hot dating app or social activity where you’re likely to meet someone new.
You’ve probably already noticed that no matter how many new people you meet or how you meet them, your love life looks the same.
Your pattern has likely been persisting for a long time – as long as you can remember, or since a certain turning point in your past. Rather than recognizing it and changing your pattern, many Loopers play the “blame game” and take little to no responsibility for their role in their pattern, or they’re at a loss to understand it.
Like everyone, you are the common denominator in your relationships.
Even if you unwittingly attract the opposite of what you want in your heart, it’s still your mindset (and the underlying beliefs your mindset reflects) that is causing you to choose those people and them to choose you.
Trust me, our unconscious genius is real genius!
Loopers are used to thinking thoughts about themselves and/or men those they hope to attract that are mostly negative. (Side note: Avoiders also have mostly negative thoughts, but these are primarily about themselves.)
These thoughts have risen to the level of your deeply held beliefs, e.g. All men are liars, people want to have sex with me but nothing more, I’m too old to find love, etc.
In some cases, your “loop” might not feel painful or stressful – for instance, if you’ve resigned yourself to never falling in love again, your thoughts might be “marriage is too much trouble” or “I already had my one true love, so why waste my time dating idiots?” If this sound familiar, you might not be consciously processing any pain over not having a loving relationship, but if you agree that true love is a good thing to have in life, why cut yourself off from that possibility?
Research and basic human observation show us how attached you and I are to being “right” – and that goes for our conscious and unconscious beliefs. That’s why it’s so important to take a look at what you believe, especially if you’re single and don’t want to be.
Right now, your chemistry radar is leading you astray. Something inside of you (you guessed it – your beliefs) recognizes instantly the people who will make your beliefs “right” or “true.” For now, it is necessary for you to proceed with caution with any new love interests. It takes time to uncover a person’s character and motivations, so give yourself the gift of that time from here on out.
Start taking responsibility for your love choices. Ask yourself why you are drawn to one person and not another who seems to share your values and relationship goals. Don’t take chemistry at face value. Use your past experiences as a guide to steer you towards available people who see how amazing you are!
I have the power to attract and receive a deeply connected, loving relationship.
The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks
This Is Why You’re Not Married Yet by Tracy McMillan
Getting unstuck and breaking free of your loop can feel like an overwhelming task – but I promise you it’s doable. Not only that, but it’s possible for you to become a love magnet way faster than you can imagine. I invite you to book a complimentary Dating Strategy Session with me. Let me show you the path to finding true love, once and for all!
Want to understand more about the Dating Mindset Archetypes, and do my Love Beliefs coaching exercise? READ MORE HERE.